Termination Notice
Dear employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas,
we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan,
older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting
the retention of younger people who represent our future
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the
next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged
Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for
jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records
before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program
will be ca lled S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As H.E.R.P.E.S. And C.L.A.P. Are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . Or C.L.A.P. Will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board
that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).
We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. Our employees receive. We have
given our employees more S.H.I.T. Than any company in this area. If any
employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. On the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. You can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!
The Management
__________________
Regards Billy Boy 
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