Announcement

Collapse

Not logged in, registered users

If you are fed up with seeing lots of adverts on Talk Angling, the way to get rid of them is REGISTER HERE as a member and then 95% of the adverts on the site will go away!
See more
See less

London Olympics 2012

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • London Olympics 2012

    Olympic Games 2012

    As you know, London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in
    2012.

    What you may not know, is that many of the famous events which go to
    make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012.

    A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.

    OPENING CEREMONY
    The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
    area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be
    contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the
    stadium.

    THE EVENTS
    In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been
    particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
    events
    have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

    100 METRES SPRINT
    Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one
    in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be
    released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

    110 METRES HURDLES
    As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
    fences, walls etc)

    HAMMER
    Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
    use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most
    physical damage within three attempts.

    FENCING
    Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible
    in 5 minutes.

    SHOOTING
    A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
    target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors
    will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or securicor style wages delivery
    man. The traditional ..22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of
    either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

    BOXING
    Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
    will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of
    lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home.
    The bout will then commence.

    CYCLING TIME TRIALS
    Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
    take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away
    from home. All against the clock.

    CYCLING PURSUIT
    As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
    Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

    MODERN PENTATHLON
    Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding
    and arson.

    SWIMMING EVENTS
    All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one
    is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised,
    please note that the Synchronised Swimming even for this year will comprise of
    dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the
    specific
    musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve".

    THE MARATHON
    A safe route has yet to be decided.

    MEN'S 50km WALK
    Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
    guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially
    anyone that appears to be mincing ...

    THE CLOSING CEREMONY
    Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
    Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised
    rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be
    extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch
    invasion by a confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself
    will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove
    all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

    Late News:
    Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the
    above but with the Pentathlon modified to include: Killing a spouse, digging a
    hole, burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named 'Calm Down'
    contest.

    To guarantee the entry of any Mancunian athletes at all, Drugs testing
    has been waived this year.
Working...
X