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French Irish War

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  • French Irish War

    Ireland declares war on France
    Jacques Chirac, the French president, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
    "Hallo, Mr Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "this is Paddy down at the harp pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you."

    "Well Paddy," Chirac replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

    "Right now," says Paddy, after a moments calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
    Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move at my command.

    "Begorrah!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

    Sure enough, the next day, paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

    And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

    "Well we have two carbines, a bulldozer, and Murphys farm tractor."

    Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
    "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

    Sure enough, Paddy rings back the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie Mc Laughlins ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock bar have joined us as well!"

    Chirac was silent for a minute and the cleared his throat."I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes, furthermore, my military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

    "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

    Sure enough, Paddy calls back again the next day, "top O' the mornin' , Mr Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

    "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "why the sudden change of heart?"

    "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."
    In darkness we do what we can
    In daylight we're oblivion