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It's Been A Long Time

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  • It's Been A Long Time

    What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? A hippo is very heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.

    A bloke’s watching a film with creepy organ music .Suddenly he screams “Don’t go in the church,you daft idiot!!!” His wife says “What are you watching?” He says “Our wedding video"

    The wife has had her knickers stolen off the washing line! She’s not fussed about getting the knickers back she furious she lost 40 pegs.

    When I was a kid my mum used to tuck me in. I think she really wanted a daughter.

    The guy who persuaded Stevie Wonder he needed sunglasses – he must have been a hell of a salesman.

    A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman, so he climbs on top of her. "Can I turn the light off?" he asks. "Why?" she replies, "Are you feeling a bit shy?" "No," he says, "it"s burning my bum!"

    I just put 400 pounds on a horse. Felt guilty, but the wife insisted on riding it!

    The wife was getting dressed up for a night out with her mates, walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her. "8 or 9 at least." I said. "Out of 10?" she asked. "Thanks, Babe, I'm flattered." Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant pints!

    I received a letter from Screwfix thanking me for my inquiry, and informing me they are not a dating agency......

    A woman golfer runs into the clubhouse in obvious distress.The club pro rushes over and asks..."Are you OK?" "No" she says "I've just been stung by a wasp" "Where were you stung?" asks the pro "Between the first and second hole" she replied The pro says.. "I think your stance is too wide"

    True bravery is arriving home, stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys, being met at the door and assaulted with a broom by your wife and still having the guts to ask: "Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"

    The wife thinks I'm a lazy git, just because I've hired a secretary at work.. "What do you mean, lazy?" I protested. "She's only going to be dealing with my mail." "Bob," she replied "you're a postman."

    Just bought some Viagra tea bags. They don't improve your sex life, but they stop your biscuits going soft.

    A bloke goes into the doctors with a courgette up his bum, a stick of celery in his right ear, a carrot in his left ear and two tomatoes stuffed in each nostril He says "What's the matter with me Doc?" The Doctor replies "You're not eating properly"

    The guy who stole my diary has died..... My thoughts are with his family......

    My wife works as a magician's assistant. I think she's picked up a few tricks. I came home from work early and found her in the bedroom. "Abracadabra!" she shouted, and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked. Poor sod must have wondered what the hell was going on!

    My sister was engaged to an Eskimo. She broke it off

    "I'm sorry, " said the doctor when my wife had her scan, "your child will be a slow developer and may well grow up to have criminal tendencies. " "Is there anything we can do? " We both asked. "Yes, " replied the doctor, "move away from Liverpool."

    Stephen hawking went on his first date in when he was twenty-two, he came back with smashed glasses, a broken wrist, two missing teeth and grazed knees. Apparently she stood him up!

    "Doctor, I'm embarrassed about the size of my willy. Every time I have sex my wife laughs and makes jokes about it." The Doctor says "Don't worry about it, it's quite common you know!" "Is it really?" I enquired. "Yes" he replied. "Your wife laugh's at everyone's!"

    Bloke wants his 70 year old wife dead. He asks a hitman how he would do it. Hitman says "I would aim to shoot her just below the left nipple" Bloke says "I want her dead, not knee capped!"

    I came home tonight to find my wife sitting on the floor surrounded by 1p and 2p coins. I think she's going through the change.

    Man goes to the doctor's with a mole on his penis. Doc says he will remove it this time but next time he will report it to the RSPCA.

    I found a load of batteries washed up on the beach I was collecting C Cells on the sea shore.

    The missus reckons she can tell how good a film is by how many tissues she goes through when watching it. Funnily enough, I have a similar system.

    A policeman knocked on my door earlier. He said, "I think your wife's been in an accident." Cheeky git!

    Police are hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed 6 people. They believe he could be following some kind of pattern.

    My ex girlfriend suffered from seizures. One night I went into the bathroom to find her having a seizure in the bath. I did what most people would have done, threw the laundry in!

    I had my first cage fight last night The budgie didn't know what hit it.

    A female midget friend of mine told me she had decided to become a prostitute. It made me really sad: I feel like she's selling herself short.

    My mate drowned in a vat of muesli. He was pulled under by a strong currant

    Guy walks in to a chemist and says to the assistant... "Can I have a deodorant please Assistant asks.. "Ball or aerosol" Guy says.."It's for under my arms actually"

    A bride on her wedding night says to her husband, "I must confess, darling, I used to be a hooker." He says, "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past but, I admit, I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it." She replies, "Well, my name was Nigel and I played for Wigan."

    If you're an Audi owner. Move your seat forward. That will ensure that you're even closer to the car in front.

    Lying in bed facing the wife, I looked into her eyes and said, ''Looking at your face reminds me of the lottery''..... She replied, ''You mean I am worth millions''..... I said, ''No, I wish you'd roll over''

    I like to scare my wife while she's folding her laundry. Well, Its the only way I can get her to drop her knickers these days.

    My lady isn’t happy with me this frosty morning, she just told me she’s going out to scrape the car. “Against what” was not the right reply.

    A few months ago my wife said to me that she would divorce me if I didn't give up drinking. It was a struggle at first, but I've mastered ironing in the end.

    After months of agonising, I had to put my dad in a care home After a few weeks I gave the home a ring to find out how he was The nurse told me "Well I'm afraid he is a bit like a fish out of water" "What, having trouble settling in is he"? I asked "No,he's dead"! she replied.

    My grandad was a World War Two veteran, in just one day, during the Battle Of Britain he destroyed eight German aircraft, killing thirty-two Nazi aviators. Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

    Job Interviewer, "What would you consider your greatest strength?"
    Me, "I perform under pressure."
    Interviewer' "Can you give me an example?"
    Me, *deep breath*
    Mm ba ba de,
    Um ba ba de,
    Um bu bu bum da de,
    Pressure, pushing down on me,

  • #2
    As always excellent.


    • #3


      • #4


        • #5
          Haven't laughed as much for ages. Brill.


          • #6
            where did you find this thread Charlie ?
            it's 6mths old !
            Not that I'm Complaining ,Bill's Posts always help bring a Smile to my Face .


            • #7
              Better late than never for a good laugh.


              • #8
                Always Cheers me up mate